Speak Up 4 Mental Health Now!

As I lie in bed Friday morning, struggling to get out of bed, I tried to look at the bright side of things. My philosophy in life is to always see the brighter side of every situation. However, this morning I didn't know if I could do that.  It's Friday, I should be welcoming in the weekend. Rejoicing in the fact that I am finally over that cold and soreness from my fall down the basement steps. Yup that is right, I fell down the stairs to my basement. I tripped over the baby gate and missed the second step and slid the rest of the way down to the landing on my butt. If you knew me personally you'd know: 1.  I am one of the clumsiest person in the world. 2. It isn't the first time I fell down a flight of stairs.  (Just last time, I broke my ribs. This time I only got rug burn.) Instead I was depressed, and not feeling any motivation to move. Luckily I have two dogs that need to go out and go potty, or I probably would not have gotten up when I did. I didn...

I talk to lot of people every day, between work and personal life. Some times you can hear in the person's voice they are sad, anxious, upset, and down right angry. Your tone says a lot about you. I tend to have a snarky tone around the house, from what I am told. LOL The thing is I am displacing my emotions on to others. We don't always see that we are doing that until it is brought to light.  For me of course my hubby thinks I am nagging when I repeat myself. Most of these times, I am repeating myself due to my OCD, although there are many times it is technically "nagging" for all intent and purpose.  Yet sometimes, I am happy and in a good mood, but I still sound snarky. Why would this be? I have realized recently that I am displacing my anxiety with a snarky or bitter tone in my voice. I also just act and vocalize myself in a snarky way. I have had extremely bad anxiety for a month almost. Needless to say it hasn't been fun for me and I am transposing this...

My heart was pounding in my chest and it felt like it was going to burst through my throat. Then the nauseous kicked in and of course I am on a phone call with a client. "Okay, just breath thru this and you won't get sick on the call." This is what I was telling myself. Luckily I was able to make it through my call without getting sick. Thank goodness!  I woke up not feeling so hot, but figured it was just a case of the Mondays. As the morning went on, the worse I started to feel. Of course work was crazy busy and my anxiety was already in overdrive. Getting sick was just not what I needed.  I decided to take a nice long Epson Salt soak to help me with my muscle soreness and nausea. It helped relaxed my muscles and the heat helped my stomach feel better, along with a Tums or two.  However, while I sat in there I could hear my heart beat in my ears as it pounded hard in my chest. I also felt like I couldn't catch my breath. Why would I be out of breath, I was l...

After a really rough day, tonight was a great way to end my day. The softball team I coach had their last game tonight. Not only did we win the game and I believe were in first place for the season, but we won the season's Sportsmanship Award for the league. I am so proud of my team, not only did they grow and become a great team, good players, confident girls, but also the nicest team in the season. YAY! Being a role model is so much more than what people think. Children are so impressionable no matter what age. Not being a parent to a child and being a role model to them, is a crazy responsibility as well, yet nobody really sees that if they aren't a parent. I am not a parent and would never tell a parent how to raise their children; however, I am a role model for them whether I realize it or not.  I have nieces, a nephew, and plenty of friends who have kids which lives I am a part of. Kids are sponges, we all know that, but as a non-parent we don't realize how much w...

One of my best friend's daughter calls me her Fairy Godmother. I wish that was really the case. I wish I was a Fairy Godmother; I could just magic away the help that is needed by so many others. I don't struggle every day with my mental illnesses but some days are way worse than others. Unfortunately there are so many people that struggle every day. To top that off, some of those people can't even afford the medicines that they truly need to help them.  This pains me to think about. I can't imagine not having the meds that I need on a daily basis. Now that I am in therapy as well, I can't imagine not seeing my therapist either. Yet some many people can't afford either.  With the inspiration from my husband, friends, and my Fairy Goddaughter, I have decided that I want to start a company (a non-profit), where I can be the Fairy Godmother to others; granting them the gift of money to pay for the mental health care that they need. I will need lost of supp...

It's so easy to speak out and tell others to make sure that you are taking some "me time", but following through with it myself is not so easy. I need to practice what I preach, so to speak LOL. It turns out it can be really hard to take time out for myself.        Every morning I am trying to get up 30 minutes earlier for "me time" on my back patio. I sit there and drink my coffee, water my veggie garden, and watch the pups run and play in the backyard. This is a nice time every morning to just relax before starting my day off.  This is typically all I can do for myself every day. For me cleaning typically is a relaxing thing to do. Yet at this time, I don't even enjoy that and I can't say that is relaxing like normal. So I actually have to set time aside every day, in sessions throughout the day, so I can make sure that I can "try" to relax and think about me. I am the person that will always be there if I am needed or asked to help. ...

This past week started out fairly rough then Tuesday I decided to put in PTO request to take Thursday and Friday so I had 5 days off in a row. In the description for my PTO request I actually entered Mental Health Day. I wanted to be honest with my manager. I don't think she is aware of my mental health issues. I have mentioned it only in casual conversation that I have OCD; however, so many people use OCD so lightly, like when they like things organized. That my friend is NOT OCD, that is just being organized and picky about things, which is totally okay to be like that, but it isn't having OCD.  I needs these days off from time to time to regroup. I still have crippling anxiety off and on every day, and my OCD is still in control. But I have gotta better with controlling my OCD at times. I am lucky to have a job where I can take paid time off if needed. I am also lucky to have insurance coverage that covers for my prescriptions and therapy. I was thinking about this over ...

The perpetuity of my anxiety is starting to anger me. All weekend it was a struggle for me. It was like I had a panic attack the entire time without any relief. Do you know how incredibly exhausting and uncomfortable that was? So far today I am doing better. I have anxiety and I am depressed, however, it isn't a full blown panic attack like it was all weekend long.    I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, my skin was crawling, I couldn't sleep but that is all I wanted to do, and I just would find myself fighting the urge to cry. This morning I didn't have all of those feelings, just fatigue, lack of motivation and overall depression, and I let myself just break down and cry to get it out. Letting it out I think really helped but I wish I didn't have to do that.  The thing is, I am doing better with my OCD, but that isn't my only issue that I am dealing with. I wish that was the case, however, my anxiety and depression has jump out from behind the cur...

OMG! I have totally forgotten how to relax. Yesterday I tried to relax and just chill in my hammock under a tree in my yard, and I just couldn't relax. How can one forget to relax? Maybe I just can't relax not that I don't know how or maybe I don't even know what it feels like to relax. Sad isn't it?  The realization of this is heartbreaking to me. I had a really hard dealing with the acceptance of this yesterday. I guess this is something that I really need to work on, on a daily basis. I need to make sure I get up and go for a walk or a run and get out of my head at least every other day if I can't every day.                            I did try yesterday, but the entire time I was was thinking, JUST RELAX! Come on how hard is it to relax? Surprisingly it is extremely difficult for me. I was mentally exhausted from the day as it was but the fact I couldn't relax just exhausted me on a whole other level...

Today was just one of those days. Every little thing upset me, I couldn't get rid of my anxiety and I couldn't focus on anything. And to top it off, I didn't want to touch anything and yet I did anyway.  I also didn't feel like I was good enough. Why? I know I am more than just good enough. Yet I feel myself going down a dark alley but I can't turn around. I hate when this happens.  I have done so good lately and I have made some extremely good accomplishments recently. However, it has mentally exhausted me. So much that I struggle doing things for myself and not things that I have to do to make myself comfortable, but me time. I need some me time pretty bad. My therapist had to point that out to me today which was a shock to me. Today it hit me, I don't like doing anything again. I don't have motivation to do anything for myself. I DO have motivation to do anything for my little pups and my hubby. They are my life. Honestly if it weren't for the pu...

It's been a week since I posted because I have had my mom and aunt in town visiting from Michigan. It was a wonderful week with them and I they had a great time while they were here. My mom and aunt both know about my daily struggles and are aware it has gotten worse since the last time I saw family back in MI. But they haven't seen how controlled by my OCD I am before this visit. I was really good though and very proud of myself. I am mentally exhausted, but nothing that they did. They were great. I honestly think that my mom got more upset about things that upset me than I actually did. LOL! If something that bothers me happens, I just explain that it upsets me and do what I need to do to feel better about the situation.  I feel it was harder on them than it was on me for them to be visiting. I know that I asked a lot of them and I am sorry. It isn't that I didn't want them in my house at all. Just the opposite. Them being here actually was a huge help. I know...

Last night as I lay in bed, anxious like a little kid on Christmas Eve. My mom and my Aunt (my mom's sister) are coming to visit for a week and they get here this evening.  I was anxious because I was/am excited, but also creating a to do list of things that I have to do today before they get here. Nothing too crazy, put clean sheets on bed and clean the guest bathroom, that's all I have left to do really. Other than wash the dogs toys and they bedding and blankets like I always do when they go to the groomer. Which they were dropped off first thing this morning.  However last night as I lie in bed, I just kept thinking of these little things and it started to loop. Not something I wanted to do at 3am. I laid awake for at least an hour with this looping and obsessive thoughts in my head. I started to freak myself out like, OMG you aren't going to have enough time to get it all done, go get our Softball Team's photos done, and pick them up at the airport.  The thin...

Tonight the softball team I coach had a game, and I have to throw in that they won too! These girls are in 4th and 5th grades which can be a really difficult time for girls. I gotta say I am extremely proud to call them my team.  They are so incredibly supportive of each other. The girls are at all levels of softball, some have never played while others have played several years. No matter what, they support each other like the team that they are. They have each other's back.  So much so that one of my girls came up to me after an inning and let me know what she heard from the other team when she was a runner at 2nd base. She told me that the other team's shortstop was bullying the centerfielder so bad while she was on second getting ready to run she saw the centerfielder girl cry. That upset her she said and that she thought I should know. She was right, I should know about this so I could let the other coach know this happened. It upset me to hear this as well. Yet...

There are good days, then there are great days, but that also comes with bad days and even worse days. To be completely honestly I have been having some pretty bad days lately. But I don't understand why.  Work is going well for me. I love coaching softball and I am really getting a lot out of it and I think the girls are too. I am so glad that we are back home in CO and I am really progressing on our home improvements. Plus my mom and aunt are coming to visit next week. All of these wonderful and happy things in my life currently, yet, I am severely depressed. It doesn't make sense. I know and this is really making me mad.  I am down right pissed off to be honest. All these wonderful things are happening in my life but I am still depressed. I don't get it either and for someone that doesn't have mental illness it is even that much harder to understand. Just try to be in my situation. I love my life, I truly do, but I am not happy.  My husband is the best, truly...

It is hard for people who don't suffer with a mental illness to fully comprehend what we are dealing with. That alone is an entirely different struggle that we deal with.  We hear things like, "Oh, just snap out of it!" or "Get over it and move on!". Ya right, if it was only that easy. Typically these are lifetime illnesses that we have to manage every day. Sometimes if we are lucky enough, we can grow out of them and learn how to get "better."  Talking to a friend or family member who isn't dealing with a mental health issue, can try to understand, and some truly can to a certain degree. But it isn't the same as talking to others that are going through the same thing or similar situations. Talking to a therapist is also truly helpful as well.  I think it is really sad that people don't feel that they can talk about their mental health situations. I know several people that still in this day in age, that they think people will judg...

I love music! Listening to music during the day helps soothe me, or even uplift me, depending on what I am listening to. On a nice rainy day, there is a certain style of music that I crave, which even though it is a bit of depressing, it is what I want to hear at that moment.  I enjoy listening to music live even more. However, with my OCD and anxiety it can be an extremely difficult thing to do even though I love it. This evening we went to see Judah & the Lion, which I was hesitant about at first. I love the band, and I wanted to go, but at the same time, I was torn and I didn't want to be in a big crowd.   OMG huge crowds with people in my personal space is pure hell! It was 95+ degrees out, which means hot sweaty bodies all around me. The simple thought of someone touching me, just made my skin crawl. When we first got there it wasn't bad, but slowly the closer it got to starting, more people surrounded us. We were fairly close to the stage, which others wanted t...

Who else has to check and re-check things, over and over and over and over again? I know that I have to. Like something is going to magically turn back on or unlock itself, and if I don't check it something horrible will happen. Sounds like a horrible feeling doesn't it, and it is. It is hard to really describe what this feels like. I mean I know this isn't going to happen, but I have to check it again. However, I have learned a few tricks that help.  But why do I do this? And how can I make myself stop? These are literally questions I ask myself constantly every day, on top of my obsessions. Exhausting!  For me, I will check the stove and oven even though I haven't used it that day, when going to bed or leaving the house. I would hate to leave it on for obvious reasons, but I fear that if I leave the house and I don't check it over and over, the house would erupt into flame with my pups inside and I would be devastated. Yet I check it even if I didn't us...

Some days are better than others....you will here me say this time and time again. Today, work was a bit overwhelming, not because it was bad, just because I was super busy and having a difficult time focusing. This was nothing that I couldn't manage, I just needed a break to regroup and finish up later. It just so happened a wonderful friend of mine needed me as well. So I took that break to be there for her. This needed to come first for a short period of time today and my ADHD and anxiety had to wait. Luckily I have a wonderful job that offers that flexibility, and I just finished with the rest of my work for the day before writing this. We took this time to just talk and listen to each other about what we were both going through today, and to do some much needed crafting for our softball team that we coach together. Yup crafting for our team, who decided to name themselves after a book series they are all reading, so we added dragon wings (super cute ones that were painte...

I made it and enjoyed our getaway trip to the mountains! Don't get me wrong, every moment was an internal struggle with my OCD. Yet, there is a calm after the storm of my anxiety of the weekend, as I am back home and back to my normal routines. Peacefulness!   As soon as we got there on Friday afternoon, I realized I had forgot my slippers!!! OMG NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! What was I going to do? I was freaking out and my internal struggle began. Then I realized that I had my Lysol spray in my car trunk from softball practice. (I sprayed out the helmets before practice and after practice; I don't know why, but I feel better when I do it.) But luckily for me it was still in there and was my compulsion for my current situation. So I took it and sprayed all of the carpet in the room. Yup I totally did that. It gave me the relief that I needed to mentally feel comfortable in the room.  After that I felt okay. For me this is normal, but I know it really isn't a normal way to thi...

Long weekends away should be exciting, fun, and relaxing. For me it is exciting, stressful, anxiety filled, and exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I love traveling, but recently my OCD has taken over and controls my life more than I would like. So traveling isn't as relaxing as I would like, it is far from that.  Our lovely friends are getting married this weekend up in the mountains of CO. We are so happy and excited for them. Plus, this is a new area to explore that we haven't seen in CO and are very excited. Hot springs, mountain vistas, and nature all around us!! Sounds perfect right, yes!!  However, for me, I am thinking: shared beds, dirty carpets, germ covered door knobs, gross and unclean remotes, and god only knows what was last thing touching everything in the bathroom. Just thinking about that is causing anxiety for me and making me exhausted. Yes I know they clean the rooms, and this is a very nice place we are staying at for the wedding, but it is the unkno...