Speak Up 4 Mental Health Now!

Meditate! Yea right. Yes, it is proven to be good for your mental health, but if you are like me, my mental health won't actually allow me to meditate at this time. I try, I really do, because I want to be able to remove all thoughts from my mind and just be. Even if it is only for a short period of time. For me, I have to start out with only a few seconds, yup, seconds.  As 2019 rolled in so did most us with our New Year Resolutions. These are great because it is important to have goals set for yourself. However, a lot of time we don't keep them for long and then we get down on ourselves for failing. To keep these goals (resolutions) we have to be realistic and start small. Don't expect to be a completely different you, if that is your goal, within a day.  Of course, I set some for myself. Love more and meditate daily. Seems easy, but both of these can be very difficult for us.  We tend to forget to love ourselves and the ones closest to us, aka our loved ones. The...

Broken. Yup that pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Defleeted, yes I know this isn't a real word but to be honest it should be. It is a great way to explain how I am feeling right now. A combination of defeated and deflated. That is me right now.  I am that child's old balloon that used to be big and bright and floated around on the ceiling. Now I am forgotten because I am no longer fun. I sit on the floor being kicked around until I am lost under the bed. I am no longer bright or full, I am deflated, no longer able to float around and play.  I am also the Broncos right now, (ugh come on guys) continuously defeated by the other teams. I know this is only temporary and I will rise up like the beautiful phoenix that I am and win again. Now the Broncos on the other hand, they better do this like ASAP, Sunday maybe. Hint hint guys.   I know I haven't been writing as often lately and that is due to my mental state. As much as I am an advocate for speaking out...

Ugh is it Friday yet? I know it is only Tuesday but man. I have been in a funk lately, extremely anxious and more depressed than I have been in a while. My OCD has been up and down, I have had a lot of successes yet a lot of not so successful attempts to take control.  I have recently found out that I have to be in an aircast (aka the boot) for 3-6 weeks. I have to wear it at all times, unless I am sitting down and not walking around or when I am sleeping. So most of the day, since I have ADHD and don't sit still for long. OMG, my OCD sky rocked immediately, because my thought went straight to having to wear it in public. Nope, no way! Well luckily my friend and her family are just as accident proned as I am, so they had a boot I could borrow. So now I have two boots, one for around my house and inside only, and one for public. Score! I still can't face that hurdle of wearing just one in public and then in my house. Even if I washed it each time I came inside I would still no...

Last night watching the news my heart broke. I mean the news is always sad anymore, there is hardly any "Good" news on the news these days. On top of the mass shooting in Jacksonville, FL we heard about a 9 year in Denver that took his own life over the weekend.  How does this happen? What is wrong with our world? When I was 9 I was thinking about playing with friends, softball, and handing out with my family. Sure kids were mean back then, but they are even worse today with social media. Back in my day, LOL that is funny I sound like a grandma, anyway....we didn't have social media. It is a great thing, but however it can be used to hurt people. Kids and adults alike, will totally just say the worse things about people to them via social media. Just totally bash them and make them feel horrible; they have no filter and can't be stopped. They just say whatever they want and not think about the ramifications of what they say, and how it might effect the other people....

As I lie in bed Friday morning, struggling to get out of bed, I tried to look at the bright side of things. My philosophy in life is to always see the brighter side of every situation. However, this morning I didn't know if I could do that.  It's Friday, I should be welcoming in the weekend. Rejoicing in the fact that I am finally over that cold and soreness from my fall down the basement steps. Yup that is right, I fell down the stairs to my basement. I tripped over the baby gate and missed the second step and slid the rest of the way down to the landing on my butt. If you knew me personally you'd know: 1.  I am one of the clumsiest person in the world. 2. It isn't the first time I fell down a flight of stairs.  (Just last time, I broke my ribs. This time I only got rug burn.) Instead I was depressed, and not feeling any motivation to move. Luckily I have two dogs that need to go out and go potty, or I probably would not have gotten up when I did. I didn...

Enjoying the present and living in the moment, this is something that I haven't had in years. When I am out in public I am always "looking" for things that make me uncomfortable. If certain things bother me, then why on earth would I intentionally look for them. But that is how I am; I am so focused on the things around me that I can't enjoy the time I am spending in places with others.  A couple weekends back was the first time I was able to enjoy myself and not "look" for things. My husband and I went out and checked out a new Brewery that had just opened and listened to live music there. I wasn't focused on finding something gross or unsanitary, I was just enjoying myself. This was a shock when I realized it was happening. I didn't want to ruining a good thing so I just continued on without dwelling on this success at that moment. However later that week I did celebrate this when I was with my therapist at therapy.  I think we tend to focus so...

I talk to lot of people every day, between work and personal life. Some times you can hear in the person's voice they are sad, anxious, upset, and down right angry. Your tone says a lot about you. I tend to have a snarky tone around the house, from what I am told. LOL The thing is I am displacing my emotions on to others. We don't always see that we are doing that until it is brought to light.  For me of course my hubby thinks I am nagging when I repeat myself. Most of these times, I am repeating myself due to my OCD, although there are many times it is technically "nagging" for all intent and purpose.  Yet sometimes, I am happy and in a good mood, but I still sound snarky. Why would this be? I have realized recently that I am displacing my anxiety with a snarky or bitter tone in my voice. I also just act and vocalize myself in a snarky way. I have had extremely bad anxiety for a month almost. Needless to say it hasn't been fun for me and I am transposing this...

My heart was pounding in my chest and it felt like it was going to burst through my throat. Then the nauseous kicked in and of course I am on a phone call with a client. "Okay, just breath thru this and you won't get sick on the call." This is what I was telling myself. Luckily I was able to make it through my call without getting sick. Thank goodness!  I woke up not feeling so hot, but figured it was just a case of the Mondays. As the morning went on, the worse I started to feel. Of course work was crazy busy and my anxiety was already in overdrive. Getting sick was just not what I needed.  I decided to take a nice long Epson Salt soak to help me with my muscle soreness and nausea. It helped relaxed my muscles and the heat helped my stomach feel better, along with a Tums or two.  However, while I sat in there I could hear my heart beat in my ears as it pounded hard in my chest. I also felt like I couldn't catch my breath. Why would I be out of breath, I was l...

After a really rough day, tonight was a great way to end my day. The softball team I coach had their last game tonight. Not only did we win the game and I believe were in first place for the season, but we won the season's Sportsmanship Award for the league. I am so proud of my team, not only did they grow and become a great team, good players, confident girls, but also the nicest team in the season. YAY! Being a role model is so much more than what people think. Children are so impressionable no matter what age. Not being a parent to a child and being a role model to them, is a crazy responsibility as well, yet nobody really sees that if they aren't a parent. I am not a parent and would never tell a parent how to raise their children; however, I am a role model for them whether I realize it or not.  I have nieces, a nephew, and plenty of friends who have kids which lives I am a part of. Kids are sponges, we all know that, but as a non-parent we don't realize how much w...

One of my best friend's daughter calls me her Fairy Godmother. I wish that was really the case. I wish I was a Fairy Godmother; I could just magic away the help that is needed by so many others. I don't struggle every day with my mental illnesses but some days are way worse than others. Unfortunately there are so many people that struggle every day. To top that off, some of those people can't even afford the medicines that they truly need to help them.  This pains me to think about. I can't imagine not having the meds that I need on a daily basis. Now that I am in therapy as well, I can't imagine not seeing my therapist either. Yet some many people can't afford either.  With the inspiration from my husband, friends, and my Fairy Goddaughter, I have decided that I want to start a company (a non-profit), where I can be the Fairy Godmother to others; granting them the gift of money to pay for the mental health care that they need. I will need lost of supp...

It's so easy to speak out and tell others to make sure that you are taking some "me time", but following through with it myself is not so easy. I need to practice what I preach, so to speak LOL. It turns out it can be really hard to take time out for myself.        Every morning I am trying to get up 30 minutes earlier for "me time" on my back patio. I sit there and drink my coffee, water my veggie garden, and watch the pups run and play in the backyard. This is a nice time every morning to just relax before starting my day off.  This is typically all I can do for myself every day. For me cleaning typically is a relaxing thing to do. Yet at this time, I don't even enjoy that and I can't say that is relaxing like normal. So I actually have to set time aside every day, in sessions throughout the day, so I can make sure that I can "try" to relax and think about me. I am the person that will always be there if I am needed or asked to help. ...

This past week started out fairly rough then Tuesday I decided to put in PTO request to take Thursday and Friday so I had 5 days off in a row. In the description for my PTO request I actually entered Mental Health Day. I wanted to be honest with my manager. I don't think she is aware of my mental health issues. I have mentioned it only in casual conversation that I have OCD; however, so many people use OCD so lightly, like when they like things organized. That my friend is NOT OCD, that is just being organized and picky about things, which is totally okay to be like that, but it isn't having OCD.  I needs these days off from time to time to regroup. I still have crippling anxiety off and on every day, and my OCD is still in control. But I have gotta better with controlling my OCD at times. I am lucky to have a job where I can take paid time off if needed. I am also lucky to have insurance coverage that covers for my prescriptions and therapy. I was thinking about this over ...

The perpetuity of my anxiety is starting to anger me. All weekend it was a struggle for me. It was like I had a panic attack the entire time without any relief. Do you know how incredibly exhausting and uncomfortable that was? So far today I am doing better. I have anxiety and I am depressed, however, it isn't a full blown panic attack like it was all weekend long.    I felt like I couldn't catch my breath, my skin was crawling, I couldn't sleep but that is all I wanted to do, and I just would find myself fighting the urge to cry. This morning I didn't have all of those feelings, just fatigue, lack of motivation and overall depression, and I let myself just break down and cry to get it out. Letting it out I think really helped but I wish I didn't have to do that.  The thing is, I am doing better with my OCD, but that isn't my only issue that I am dealing with. I wish that was the case, however, my anxiety and depression has jump out from behind the cur...

OMG! I have totally forgotten how to relax. Yesterday I tried to relax and just chill in my hammock under a tree in my yard, and I just couldn't relax. How can one forget to relax? Maybe I just can't relax not that I don't know how or maybe I don't even know what it feels like to relax. Sad isn't it?  The realization of this is heartbreaking to me. I had a really hard dealing with the acceptance of this yesterday. I guess this is something that I really need to work on, on a daily basis. I need to make sure I get up and go for a walk or a run and get out of my head at least every other day if I can't every day.                            I did try yesterday, but the entire time I was was thinking, JUST RELAX! Come on how hard is it to relax? Surprisingly it is extremely difficult for me. I was mentally exhausted from the day as it was but the fact I couldn't relax just exhausted me on a whole other level...

Today was just one of those days. Every little thing upset me, I couldn't get rid of my anxiety and I couldn't focus on anything. And to top it off, I didn't want to touch anything and yet I did anyway.  I also didn't feel like I was good enough. Why? I know I am more than just good enough. Yet I feel myself going down a dark alley but I can't turn around. I hate when this happens.  I have done so good lately and I have made some extremely good accomplishments recently. However, it has mentally exhausted me. So much that I struggle doing things for myself and not things that I have to do to make myself comfortable, but me time. I need some me time pretty bad. My therapist had to point that out to me today which was a shock to me. Today it hit me, I don't like doing anything again. I don't have motivation to do anything for myself. I DO have motivation to do anything for my little pups and my hubby. They are my life. Honestly if it weren't for the pu...

It's been a week since I posted because I have had my mom and aunt in town visiting from Michigan. It was a wonderful week with them and I they had a great time while they were here. My mom and aunt both know about my daily struggles and are aware it has gotten worse since the last time I saw family back in MI. But they haven't seen how controlled by my OCD I am before this visit. I was really good though and very proud of myself. I am mentally exhausted, but nothing that they did. They were great. I honestly think that my mom got more upset about things that upset me than I actually did. LOL! If something that bothers me happens, I just explain that it upsets me and do what I need to do to feel better about the situation.  I feel it was harder on them than it was on me for them to be visiting. I know that I asked a lot of them and I am sorry. It isn't that I didn't want them in my house at all. Just the opposite. Them being here actually was a huge help. I know...

Last night as I lay in bed, anxious like a little kid on Christmas Eve. My mom and my Aunt (my mom's sister) are coming to visit for a week and they get here this evening.  I was anxious because I was/am excited, but also creating a to do list of things that I have to do today before they get here. Nothing too crazy, put clean sheets on bed and clean the guest bathroom, that's all I have left to do really. Other than wash the dogs toys and they bedding and blankets like I always do when they go to the groomer. Which they were dropped off first thing this morning.  However last night as I lie in bed, I just kept thinking of these little things and it started to loop. Not something I wanted to do at 3am. I laid awake for at least an hour with this looping and obsessive thoughts in my head. I started to freak myself out like, OMG you aren't going to have enough time to get it all done, go get our Softball Team's photos done, and pick them up at the airport.  The thin...

I was watching the news like I do every day, which some days I question why I do, it is only full of bad news. They never talk about good news these days. Anyway, there was a situation in Denver and the news mentioned that the person had mental illnesses and was unstable. See this is what I mean. Now people just assume that all people with mental illnesses are unstable. That pisses me off to be completely honest with you.  I have mental illnesses but I am a fully functioning and stable person. I have OCD, Anxiety, ADHD, and Depression, this DOES NOT mean I am unstable. They need to elaborate what the situation is. Is this person supposed to be on medication and went off of it, and if so why? Was this person Schizophrenic? Are they Bi-Polar and had a psychotic break?  Just saying they had mental illness doesn't give them the right to act out violently to others. Just because a person has a mental illness and could be on medication for it, does not make them a bad person....

Tonight the softball team I coach had a game, and I have to throw in that they won too! These girls are in 4th and 5th grades which can be a really difficult time for girls. I gotta say I am extremely proud to call them my team.  They are so incredibly supportive of each other. The girls are at all levels of softball, some have never played while others have played several years. No matter what, they support each other like the team that they are. They have each other's back.  So much so that one of my girls came up to me after an inning and let me know what she heard from the other team when she was a runner at 2nd base. She told me that the other team's shortstop was bullying the centerfielder so bad while she was on second getting ready to run she saw the centerfielder girl cry. That upset her she said and that she thought I should know. She was right, I should know about this so I could let the other coach know this happened. It upset me to hear this as well. Yet...