Speak Up 4 Mental Health Now!

Ugh is it Friday yet? I know it is only Tuesday but man. I have been in a funk lately, extremely anxious and more depressed than I have been in a while. My OCD has been up and down, I have had a lot of successes yet a lot of not so successful attempts to take control.  I have recently found out that I have to be in an aircast (aka the boot) for 3-6 weeks. I have to wear it at all times, unless I am sitting down and not walking around or when I am sleeping. So most of the day, since I have ADHD and don't sit still for long. OMG, my OCD sky rocked immediately, because my thought went straight to having to wear it in public. Nope, no way! Well luckily my friend and her family are just as accident proned as I am, so they had a boot I could borrow. So now I have two boots, one for around my house and inside only, and one for public. Score! I still can't face that hurdle of wearing just one in public and then in my house. Even if I washed it each time I came inside I would still no...

Enjoying the present and living in the moment, this is something that I haven't had in years. When I am out in public I am always "looking" for things that make me uncomfortable. If certain things bother me, then why on earth would I intentionally look for them. But that is how I am; I am so focused on the things around me that I can't enjoy the time I am spending in places with others.  A couple weekends back was the first time I was able to enjoy myself and not "look" for things. My husband and I went out and checked out a new Brewery that had just opened and listened to live music there. I wasn't focused on finding something gross or unsanitary, I was just enjoying myself. This was a shock when I realized it was happening. I didn't want to ruining a good thing so I just continued on without dwelling on this success at that moment. However later that week I did celebrate this when I was with my therapist at therapy.  I think we tend to focus so...

My heart was pounding in my chest and it felt like it was going to burst through my throat. Then the nauseous kicked in and of course I am on a phone call with a client. "Okay, just breath thru this and you won't get sick on the call." This is what I was telling myself. Luckily I was able to make it through my call without getting sick. Thank goodness!  I woke up not feeling so hot, but figured it was just a case of the Mondays. As the morning went on, the worse I started to feel. Of course work was crazy busy and my anxiety was already in overdrive. Getting sick was just not what I needed.  I decided to take a nice long Epson Salt soak to help me with my muscle soreness and nausea. It helped relaxed my muscles and the heat helped my stomach feel better, along with a Tums or two.  However, while I sat in there I could hear my heart beat in my ears as it pounded hard in my chest. I also felt like I couldn't catch my breath. Why would I be out of breath, I was l...

One of my best friend's daughter calls me her Fairy Godmother. I wish that was really the case. I wish I was a Fairy Godmother; I could just magic away the help that is needed by so many others. I don't struggle every day with my mental illnesses but some days are way worse than others. Unfortunately there are so many people that struggle every day. To top that off, some of those people can't even afford the medicines that they truly need to help them.  This pains me to think about. I can't imagine not having the meds that I need on a daily basis. Now that I am in therapy as well, I can't imagine not seeing my therapist either. Yet some many people can't afford either.  With the inspiration from my husband, friends, and my Fairy Goddaughter, I have decided that I want to start a company (a non-profit), where I can be the Fairy Godmother to others; granting them the gift of money to pay for the mental health care that they need. I will need lost of supp...

OMG! I have totally forgotten how to relax. Yesterday I tried to relax and just chill in my hammock under a tree in my yard, and I just couldn't relax. How can one forget to relax? Maybe I just can't relax not that I don't know how or maybe I don't even know what it feels like to relax. Sad isn't it?  The realization of this is heartbreaking to me. I had a really hard dealing with the acceptance of this yesterday. I guess this is something that I really need to work on, on a daily basis. I need to make sure I get up and go for a walk or a run and get out of my head at least every other day if I can't every day.                            I did try yesterday, but the entire time I was was thinking, JUST RELAX! Come on how hard is it to relax? Surprisingly it is extremely difficult for me. I was mentally exhausted from the day as it was but the fact I couldn't relax just exhausted me on a whole other level...

It's been a week since I posted because I have had my mom and aunt in town visiting from Michigan. It was a wonderful week with them and I they had a great time while they were here. My mom and aunt both know about my daily struggles and are aware it has gotten worse since the last time I saw family back in MI. But they haven't seen how controlled by my OCD I am before this visit. I was really good though and very proud of myself. I am mentally exhausted, but nothing that they did. They were great. I honestly think that my mom got more upset about things that upset me than I actually did. LOL! If something that bothers me happens, I just explain that it upsets me and do what I need to do to feel better about the situation.  I feel it was harder on them than it was on me for them to be visiting. I know that I asked a lot of them and I am sorry. It isn't that I didn't want them in my house at all. Just the opposite. Them being here actually was a huge help. I know...

I was watching the news like I do every day, which some days I question why I do, it is only full of bad news. They never talk about good news these days. Anyway, there was a situation in Denver and the news mentioned that the person had mental illnesses and was unstable. See this is what I mean. Now people just assume that all people with mental illnesses are unstable. That pisses me off to be completely honest with you.  I have mental illnesses but I am a fully functioning and stable person. I have OCD, Anxiety, ADHD, and Depression, this DOES NOT mean I am unstable. They need to elaborate what the situation is. Is this person supposed to be on medication and went off of it, and if so why? Was this person Schizophrenic? Are they Bi-Polar and had a psychotic break?  Just saying they had mental illness doesn't give them the right to act out violently to others. Just because a person has a mental illness and could be on medication for it, does not make them a bad person....

I love music! Listening to music during the day helps soothe me, or even uplift me, depending on what I am listening to. On a nice rainy day, there is a certain style of music that I crave, which even though it is a bit of depressing, it is what I want to hear at that moment.  I enjoy listening to music live even more. However, with my OCD and anxiety it can be an extremely difficult thing to do even though I love it. This evening we went to see Judah & the Lion, which I was hesitant about at first. I love the band, and I wanted to go, but at the same time, I was torn and I didn't want to be in a big crowd.   OMG huge crowds with people in my personal space is pure hell! It was 95+ degrees out, which means hot sweaty bodies all around me. The simple thought of someone touching me, just made my skin crawl. When we first got there it wasn't bad, but slowly the closer it got to starting, more people surrounded us. We were fairly close to the stage, which others wanted t...

Some days are better than others....you will here me say this time and time again. Today, work was a bit overwhelming, not because it was bad, just because I was super busy and having a difficult time focusing. This was nothing that I couldn't manage, I just needed a break to regroup and finish up later. It just so happened a wonderful friend of mine needed me as well. So I took that break to be there for her. This needed to come first for a short period of time today and my ADHD and anxiety had to wait. Luckily I have a wonderful job that offers that flexibility, and I just finished with the rest of my work for the day before writing this. We took this time to just talk and listen to each other about what we were both going through today, and to do some much needed crafting for our softball team that we coach together. Yup crafting for our team, who decided to name themselves after a book series they are all reading, so we added dragon wings (super cute ones that were painte...

I made it and enjoyed our getaway trip to the mountains! Don't get me wrong, every moment was an internal struggle with my OCD. Yet, there is a calm after the storm of my anxiety of the weekend, as I am back home and back to my normal routines. Peacefulness!   As soon as we got there on Friday afternoon, I realized I had forgot my slippers!!! OMG NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! What was I going to do? I was freaking out and my internal struggle began. Then I realized that I had my Lysol spray in my car trunk from softball practice. (I sprayed out the helmets before practice and after practice; I don't know why, but I feel better when I do it.) But luckily for me it was still in there and was my compulsion for my current situation. So I took it and sprayed all of the carpet in the room. Yup I totally did that. It gave me the relief that I needed to mentally feel comfortable in the room.  After that I felt okay. For me this is normal, but I know it really isn't a normal way to thi...

Long weekends away should be exciting, fun, and relaxing. For me it is exciting, stressful, anxiety filled, and exhausting. Don't get me wrong, I love traveling, but recently my OCD has taken over and controls my life more than I would like. So traveling isn't as relaxing as I would like, it is far from that.  Our lovely friends are getting married this weekend up in the mountains of CO. We are so happy and excited for them. Plus, this is a new area to explore that we haven't seen in CO and are very excited. Hot springs, mountain vistas, and nature all around us!! Sounds perfect right, yes!!  However, for me, I am thinking: shared beds, dirty carpets, germ covered door knobs, gross and unclean remotes, and god only knows what was last thing touching everything in the bathroom. Just thinking about that is causing anxiety for me and making me exhausted. Yes I know they clean the rooms, and this is a very nice place we are staying at for the wedding, but it is the unkno...

How can one wake up with anxiety? I mean aren't we supposed to wake up feeling refreshed and ready for the day.  Most days I do wake up in a great mood ready for the day and feeling refreshed. Nope, not this morning. I woke up with the worst anxiety, and had an anxiety attack before even getting out of bed. It wasn't like I have anything stressful going on today to be anxious about. Or even anything super exciting that would make be anxious for it.   Because of this I was slow all day long, distracted, scatterbrained, and anxious. This made me get behind with everything, and I like routine, and my routine was off. In turn this made me angry. I didn't get everything done today that I needed to, but the laundry can wait till tomorrow. However, I feel bad that I didn't get a chance to take my pups for a daily walk. Now I feel like I have have failed them for the day. (Believe me, these pups are my life and they are spoiled rotten so don't feel too bad for ...

Ahhh! Accomplishment!! Doesn't it feel amazing? Yes, I love when I can say, "Well yes, I did that." or "Yup, I finished it.", but today wasn't that day.  Hours of painting at the top of a ladder, all for not. Yup, the color doesn't match. Second mis-tint in a row, fail home improvement store, FAIL ! Now mind you, I have a paralyzing fear of falling. (Icing on the multi-layered cake my friends of my mental issues. LOL) I could be 2 inches off the ground or 15 feet, like I was part of today.  However, I was still able to prevail. Even though I have to paint the areas all over again, and have to deal with that height again; I still won. Yup, that's right people, I still said I won.  Every time I face my fear of falling it gets a microscopic bit better. I mean barely even a noticeable amount easier for me. I am not looking forward to climbing that ladder again. To be completely honestly with you, I want to tell the store they need to come and red...

I don't know about you, but every day is a different struggle with my mental health. Some days I can't stop thinking about the same thought that is repeating itself over and over in my head. Other days I struggle going out into public places.  I am in Accounting Management for a very large and global company. I am lucky to work from home. Because with my mental health issues, I don't honestly think I could handle being in an office environment; for several reasons.  I don't like to sit on public seats and then come back into my home and sit on any surface in my house without changing my pants. Weird right? Yes, for some people it is and they can't understand my thought process or reasoning for this. However, if I don't do this or my husband doesn't, I will mentally and physically become uncomfortable. Thoughts will start looping in my head and I can't stop thinking about them. I will start breathing hard, my heart rate rises, and at times I shake. Wh...