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Forgot How

OMG! I have totally forgotten how to relax. Yesterday I tried to relax and just chill in my hammock under a tree in my yard, and I just couldn't relax. How can one forget to relax? Maybe I just can't relax not that I don't know how or maybe I don't even know what it feels like to relax. Sad isn't it? 

The realization of this is heartbreaking to me. I had a really hard dealing with the acceptance of this yesterday. I guess this is something that I really need to work on, on a daily basis. I need to make sure I get up and go for a walk or a run and get out of my head at least every other day if I can't every day.
                          
I did try yesterday, but the entire time I was was thinking, JUST RELAX! Come on how hard is it to relax? Surprisingly it is extremely difficult for me. I was mentally exhausted from the day as it was but the fact I couldn't relax just exhausted me on a whole other level. 

I need a vacation but I don't want to not be in my own home. The thought of a hotel or something doesn't sound relaxing. Maybe camping, even though I can't really say that I enjoy that, but maybe that is what I need. Be one with nature. I mean my favorite thing is to sit on my back patio and just listen to the birds and breathe in the fresh mountain air. 

As I sit here now writing this, I have so many endless thoughts in my head. What I need to do, what I want to do, what is making me uncomfortable. The thought of not being able to just chill is causing a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety which in turns flares up my OCD. 

I may look like I am "relaxing" but the truth of the matter is, I am just being quite and kind of staying still. LOL. Me staying still is a joke, I am constantly moving, getting up and walking around. Sitting on the couch I am normally crocheting to keep busy so thoughts don't take over. Even sleep isn't restful for me anymore. I am such a restless sleeper so I feel like I need to sleep all day because I never am rested. I mean I swear I have dreams within dreams lately. And when I am not dreaming I am tossing and turning. Ugh! 

Meditation used to help, but not now. Because my mind can't be paused even for two minutes to do this. I am not sure what to do about this right now. I did see my Doctor yesterday and unfortunately they think they need to "tweek" my medication. So hopefully I can get in with a Psychiatrist soon and see what they can do. I knew going into CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) would be hard work. I am doing really well with my baby steps, but it is really exhausting. I am still very hopeful and will not give up on getting better. I deserve it!

Like my Doctor said yesterday, "Don't focus so much on what you want to be, but be the best you that you can every day!"

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