Skip to main content

Forgot How

OMG! I have totally forgotten how to relax. Yesterday I tried to relax and just chill in my hammock under a tree in my yard, and I just couldn't relax. How can one forget to relax? Maybe I just can't relax not that I don't know how or maybe I don't even know what it feels like to relax. Sad isn't it? 

The realization of this is heartbreaking to me. I had a really hard dealing with the acceptance of this yesterday. I guess this is something that I really need to work on, on a daily basis. I need to make sure I get up and go for a walk or a run and get out of my head at least every other day if I can't every day.
                          
I did try yesterday, but the entire time I was was thinking, JUST RELAX! Come on how hard is it to relax? Surprisingly it is extremely difficult for me. I was mentally exhausted from the day as it was but the fact I couldn't relax just exhausted me on a whole other level. 

I need a vacation but I don't want to not be in my own home. The thought of a hotel or something doesn't sound relaxing. Maybe camping, even though I can't really say that I enjoy that, but maybe that is what I need. Be one with nature. I mean my favorite thing is to sit on my back patio and just listen to the birds and breathe in the fresh mountain air. 

As I sit here now writing this, I have so many endless thoughts in my head. What I need to do, what I want to do, what is making me uncomfortable. The thought of not being able to just chill is causing a lot of unnecessary stress and anxiety which in turns flares up my OCD. 

I may look like I am "relaxing" but the truth of the matter is, I am just being quite and kind of staying still. LOL. Me staying still is a joke, I am constantly moving, getting up and walking around. Sitting on the couch I am normally crocheting to keep busy so thoughts don't take over. Even sleep isn't restful for me anymore. I am such a restless sleeper so I feel like I need to sleep all day because I never am rested. I mean I swear I have dreams within dreams lately. And when I am not dreaming I am tossing and turning. Ugh! 

Meditation used to help, but not now. Because my mind can't be paused even for two minutes to do this. I am not sure what to do about this right now. I did see my Doctor yesterday and unfortunately they think they need to "tweek" my medication. So hopefully I can get in with a Psychiatrist soon and see what they can do. I knew going into CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) would be hard work. I am doing really well with my baby steps, but it is really exhausting. I am still very hopeful and will not give up on getting better. I deserve it!

Like my Doctor said yesterday, "Don't focus so much on what you want to be, but be the best you that you can every day!"

Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Taking Time For Yourself

It's so easy to speak out and tell others to make sure that you are taking some "me time", but following through with it myself is not so easy. I need to practice what I preach, so to speak LOL. It turns out it can be really hard to take time out for myself.        Every morning I am trying to get up 30 minutes earlier for "me time" on my back patio. I sit there and drink my coffee, water my veggie garden, and watch the pups run and play in the backyard. This is a nice time every morning to just relax before starting my day off.  This is typically all I can do for myself every day. For me cleaning typically is a relaxing thing to do. Yet at this time, I don't even enjoy that and I can't say that is relaxing like normal. So I actually have to set time aside every day, in sessions throughout the day, so I can make sure that I can "try" to relax and think about me. I am the person that will always be there if I am needed or asked to help. ...
1 comment
Read more

Inspiration

I talk to lot of people every day, between work and personal life. Some times you can hear in the person's voice they are sad, anxious, upset, and down right angry. Your tone says a lot about you. I tend to have a snarky tone around the house, from what I am told. LOL The thing is I am displacing my emotions on to others. We don't always see that we are doing that until it is brought to light.  For me of course my hubby thinks I am nagging when I repeat myself. Most of these times, I am repeating myself due to my OCD, although there are many times it is technically "nagging" for all intent and purpose.  Yet sometimes, I am happy and in a good mood, but I still sound snarky. Why would this be? I have realized recently that I am displacing my anxiety with a snarky or bitter tone in my voice. I also just act and vocalize myself in a snarky way. I have had extremely bad anxiety for a month almost. Needless to say it hasn't been fun for me and I am transposing this...
Post a Comment
Read more

OCD in Control

It's been a week since I posted because I have had my mom and aunt in town visiting from Michigan. It was a wonderful week with them and I they had a great time while they were here. My mom and aunt both know about my daily struggles and are aware it has gotten worse since the last time I saw family back in MI. But they haven't seen how controlled by my OCD I am before this visit. I was really good though and very proud of myself. I am mentally exhausted, but nothing that they did. They were great. I honestly think that my mom got more upset about things that upset me than I actually did. LOL! If something that bothers me happens, I just explain that it upsets me and do what I need to do to feel better about the situation.  I feel it was harder on them than it was on me for them to be visiting. I know that I asked a lot of them and I am sorry. It isn't that I didn't want them in my house at all. Just the opposite. Them being here actually was a huge help. I know...
Post a Comment
Read more