Speak Up 4 Mental Health Now!

OMG! I have totally forgotten how to relax. Yesterday I tried to relax and just chill in my hammock under a tree in my yard, and I just couldn't relax. How can one forget to relax? Maybe I just can't relax not that I don't know how or maybe I don't even know what it feels like to relax. Sad isn't it?  The realization of this is heartbreaking to me. I had a really hard dealing with the acceptance of this yesterday. I guess this is something that I really need to work on, on a daily basis. I need to make sure I get up and go for a walk or a run and get out of my head at least every other day if I can't every day.                            I did try yesterday, but the entire time I was was thinking, JUST RELAX! Come on how hard is it to relax? Surprisingly it is extremely difficult for me. I was mentally exhausted from the day as it was but the fact I couldn't relax just exhausted me on a whole other level...

Today was just one of those days. Every little thing upset me, I couldn't get rid of my anxiety and I couldn't focus on anything. And to top it off, I didn't want to touch anything and yet I did anyway.  I also didn't feel like I was good enough. Why? I know I am more than just good enough. Yet I feel myself going down a dark alley but I can't turn around. I hate when this happens.  I have done so good lately and I have made some extremely good accomplishments recently. However, it has mentally exhausted me. So much that I struggle doing things for myself and not things that I have to do to make myself comfortable, but me time. I need some me time pretty bad. My therapist had to point that out to me today which was a shock to me. Today it hit me, I don't like doing anything again. I don't have motivation to do anything for myself. I DO have motivation to do anything for my little pups and my hubby. They are my life. Honestly if it weren't for the pu...

It's been a week since I posted because I have had my mom and aunt in town visiting from Michigan. It was a wonderful week with them and I they had a great time while they were here. My mom and aunt both know about my daily struggles and are aware it has gotten worse since the last time I saw family back in MI. But they haven't seen how controlled by my OCD I am before this visit. I was really good though and very proud of myself. I am mentally exhausted, but nothing that they did. They were great. I honestly think that my mom got more upset about things that upset me than I actually did. LOL! If something that bothers me happens, I just explain that it upsets me and do what I need to do to feel better about the situation.  I feel it was harder on them than it was on me for them to be visiting. I know that I asked a lot of them and I am sorry. It isn't that I didn't want them in my house at all. Just the opposite. Them being here actually was a huge help. I know...

Last night as I lay in bed, anxious like a little kid on Christmas Eve. My mom and my Aunt (my mom's sister) are coming to visit for a week and they get here this evening.  I was anxious because I was/am excited, but also creating a to do list of things that I have to do today before they get here. Nothing too crazy, put clean sheets on bed and clean the guest bathroom, that's all I have left to do really. Other than wash the dogs toys and they bedding and blankets like I always do when they go to the groomer. Which they were dropped off first thing this morning.  However last night as I lie in bed, I just kept thinking of these little things and it started to loop. Not something I wanted to do at 3am. I laid awake for at least an hour with this looping and obsessive thoughts in my head. I started to freak myself out like, OMG you aren't going to have enough time to get it all done, go get our Softball Team's photos done, and pick them up at the airport.  The thin...

My goal lately with my therapy is to notice things before I do them and try to not do them. I have noticed that I do things that I didn't even know I did. Oh dear!  So I have an issue with things that have been in public. For example even things I get at the grocery store bother me, like a bag of cheese. If I want cheese on something I will sprinkle it from the actual bag and then wash my hands before I eat because I touched the bag that was out in public. Last night I realized I do that with everything!  I was out of paper towels in the kitchen, so I went to get a new roll and it was still in the plastic it comes in. After I refilled the paper towel holder, I had to wash my hands because of the exterior plastic around the roll. I had not noticed this before.  It really makes me think what else do I do without even noticing. I know there are a lot of little things that I do without thinking about because for so long I have done them because it makes me feel more com...

I was watching the news like I do every day, which some days I question why I do, it is only full of bad news. They never talk about good news these days. Anyway, there was a situation in Denver and the news mentioned that the person had mental illnesses and was unstable. See this is what I mean. Now people just assume that all people with mental illnesses are unstable. That pisses me off to be completely honest with you.  I have mental illnesses but I am a fully functioning and stable person. I have OCD, Anxiety, ADHD, and Depression, this DOES NOT mean I am unstable. They need to elaborate what the situation is. Is this person supposed to be on medication and went off of it, and if so why? Was this person Schizophrenic? Are they Bi-Polar and had a psychotic break?  Just saying they had mental illness doesn't give them the right to act out violently to others. Just because a person has a mental illness and could be on medication for it, does not make them a bad person....

Tonight the softball team I coach had a game, and I have to throw in that they won too! These girls are in 4th and 5th grades which can be a really difficult time for girls. I gotta say I am extremely proud to call them my team.  They are so incredibly supportive of each other. The girls are at all levels of softball, some have never played while others have played several years. No matter what, they support each other like the team that they are. They have each other's back.  So much so that one of my girls came up to me after an inning and let me know what she heard from the other team when she was a runner at 2nd base. She told me that the other team's shortstop was bullying the centerfielder so bad while she was on second getting ready to run she saw the centerfielder girl cry. That upset her she said and that she thought I should know. She was right, I should know about this so I could let the other coach know this happened. It upset me to hear this as well. Yet...

There are good days, then there are great days, but that also comes with bad days and even worse days. To be completely honestly I have been having some pretty bad days lately. But I don't understand why.  Work is going well for me. I love coaching softball and I am really getting a lot out of it and I think the girls are too. I am so glad that we are back home in CO and I am really progressing on our home improvements. Plus my mom and aunt are coming to visit next week. All of these wonderful and happy things in my life currently, yet, I am severely depressed. It doesn't make sense. I know and this is really making me mad.  I am down right pissed off to be honest. All these wonderful things are happening in my life but I am still depressed. I don't get it either and for someone that doesn't have mental illness it is even that much harder to understand. Just try to be in my situation. I love my life, I truly do, but I am not happy.  My husband is the best, truly...

It is hard for people who don't suffer with a mental illness to fully comprehend what we are dealing with. That alone is an entirely different struggle that we deal with.  We hear things like, "Oh, just snap out of it!" or "Get over it and move on!". Ya right, if it was only that easy. Typically these are lifetime illnesses that we have to manage every day. Sometimes if we are lucky enough, we can grow out of them and learn how to get "better."  Talking to a friend or family member who isn't dealing with a mental health issue, can try to understand, and some truly can to a certain degree. But it isn't the same as talking to others that are going through the same thing or similar situations. Talking to a therapist is also truly helpful as well.  I think it is really sad that people don't feel that they can talk about their mental health situations. I know several people that still in this day in age, that they think people will judg...

I love music! Listening to music during the day helps soothe me, or even uplift me, depending on what I am listening to. On a nice rainy day, there is a certain style of music that I crave, which even though it is a bit of depressing, it is what I want to hear at that moment.  I enjoy listening to music live even more. However, with my OCD and anxiety it can be an extremely difficult thing to do even though I love it. This evening we went to see Judah & the Lion, which I was hesitant about at first. I love the band, and I wanted to go, but at the same time, I was torn and I didn't want to be in a big crowd.   OMG huge crowds with people in my personal space is pure hell! It was 95+ degrees out, which means hot sweaty bodies all around me. The simple thought of someone touching me, just made my skin crawl. When we first got there it wasn't bad, but slowly the closer it got to starting, more people surrounded us. We were fairly close to the stage, which others wanted t...

Who else has to check and re-check things, over and over and over and over again? I know that I have to. Like something is going to magically turn back on or unlock itself, and if I don't check it something horrible will happen. Sounds like a horrible feeling doesn't it, and it is. It is hard to really describe what this feels like. I mean I know this isn't going to happen, but I have to check it again. However, I have learned a few tricks that help.  But why do I do this? And how can I make myself stop? These are literally questions I ask myself constantly every day, on top of my obsessions. Exhausting!  For me, I will check the stove and oven even though I haven't used it that day, when going to bed or leaving the house. I would hate to leave it on for obvious reasons, but I fear that if I leave the house and I don't check it over and over, the house would erupt into flame with my pups inside and I would be devastated. Yet I check it even if I didn't us...

Some days are better than others....you will here me say this time and time again. Today, work was a bit overwhelming, not because it was bad, just because I was super busy and having a difficult time focusing. This was nothing that I couldn't manage, I just needed a break to regroup and finish up later. It just so happened a wonderful friend of mine needed me as well. So I took that break to be there for her. This needed to come first for a short period of time today and my ADHD and anxiety had to wait. Luckily I have a wonderful job that offers that flexibility, and I just finished with the rest of my work for the day before writing this. We took this time to just talk and listen to each other about what we were both going through today, and to do some much needed crafting for our softball team that we coach together. Yup crafting for our team, who decided to name themselves after a book series they are all reading, so we added dragon wings (super cute ones that were painte...

I made it and enjoyed our getaway trip to the mountains! Don't get me wrong, every moment was an internal struggle with my OCD. Yet, there is a calm after the storm of my anxiety of the weekend, as I am back home and back to my normal routines. Peacefulness!   As soon as we got there on Friday afternoon, I realized I had forgot my slippers!!! OMG NO!!!!!!!!!!!!! What was I going to do? I was freaking out and my internal struggle began. Then I realized that I had my Lysol spray in my car trunk from softball practice. (I sprayed out the helmets before practice and after practice; I don't know why, but I feel better when I do it.) But luckily for me it was still in there and was my compulsion for my current situation. So I took it and sprayed all of the carpet in the room. Yup I totally did that. It gave me the relief that I needed to mentally feel comfortable in the room.  After that I felt okay. For me this is normal, but I know it really isn't a normal way to thi...